"Fuck That Fuck That" An Intimate Journey of the Mind

For the record… I did not indulge into the recreational drug use until I was in my mid 20’s, and I am not including pot into this note. Nor have I ever been an avid fan of drinking into oblivion, attaining and maintaining the perma-smile buzz has always been my style. That being said… in those mid 20’s I lived quite the very fast lane lifestyle and I truly expanded my mind to places that I am sure few have ventured. I was dealing with money by the thousands as the nameless faces of those weekly encounters anxiously awaited on me to help them with their escape from reality. And though I have many, many stories I could share, I have always found myself reflecting on the people that I truly became friends with. Anyone familiar with the rave scene understands it’s peculiar, yet addictive oddness (maybe some of it had to do with the state of mind I was in), but when you are one of the individuals in the middle of dealing the goodies, meeting with club owners, paying off the security and attending 10 am after parties, after.. after party. You meet a lot of people and you hear a lot of stories and you suffer a lot of skepticism.

To make a long story short… this will be the 3 year anniversary of the death of one of those people I befriended and respected and cared for on many levels. Indeed the toughest loss to date in my lifetime. “Little” Timmy was how we referred to him in those days and I met him through a friend/”business” partner. An interesting story he was and over the first few months we really got to know each other well. He was kind of a nomad with a free soul, he had few friends and little family that he made mention of, and when he did it was rarely on a positive note. Now most of this I used to believe was attributed to his ability to make bad decisions. He had been in jail for five years in FL for being an accomplice to burglary. The short of the story was he was in the back seat of a car and a friend and someone hadn’t ever met were in the front seat. He claimed he did not know the deal before it happened, which was they robbed a package store. Now at first I was skeptical of the story, but based on the depths and desperation I saw this kid go through I believed his story. Trust me, he struggled mightily in the years I knew him but he never reverted to anything less than a heads up and dignified approach to get by. This was his unique ability to appreciate all those little things in life despite how times had been rather harsh on him. This was pride… and for me, it was inspiring.

Anyway, we used to smoke a lot of pot together and go hiking, or discuss life and enigmas and creative ways we would change things or make things. We always laughed a lot and I really had a lot of respect for him for many reasons. He had few true friends and regardless of the ups and downs in his life he had pride, and respect and dignity with a true love for life. One day, we were talking about something and he said to me “Fuck that” and I said “what… Fuck that Fuck that!” And at first he just looked at me as if he wasn’t too sure he had just heard what he thought he heard, and whether or not it really made sense and low and behold… it did mother fuckers… it did! It was amazing, probably one of the hardest laughs in my entire life. Fuck that Fuck that! It rarely offers the opportunity for use but it is a genius quote, and on the fly at that! And that was our deal… and when we did say it a lot of people just didn’t get it. He was a great friend, and it wasn’t till his passing that I really understood the lonely path he plowed through on a daily basis. His family was oblivious to who he really was as an individual, in fact they were probably oblivious to who they were as individuals. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak at his memorial; it would not have been worth it. No one would have understood who I was talking about… there would have been zero relation to any of my words. There is a lot to be said of Timmy from my perspective and there is a lot more of him to be missed.

So in closing… what can I say, here we are in this enigma known as life, full of its perplexities, oddities, miracles and life-long searches for the never ending answers. A place where moments may seem unbelievable, incomprehensible and even surreal, but in the end they are all reality. Days pass on and the spirits of loved ones come and go, and the paths of strangers cross and sometimes evolve and other times continue on without ever knowing what lies within. And so in a time when it is so easy to judge and at times harder not to, try to remember that regardless of an individuals actions or how much you think you may differ from those around that we all have stories… some good and some bad, easier for some harder for others. That as we tip-toe through our own thoughts of natural prejudice or in the moments when we may lack confidence that you just never know who you may relate to on such a beautiful level. One may have many acquaintances, but true friends are hard to find. So next time you feel yourself in a position where you have an opportunity to learn about some ones story… remember my friend Timmy, this is one of the beauties of life… true friendship. I am notorious for my completely horrible, stupid, non-funny and at times tasteless humor. The truth is a lot of the shit in life doesn’t matter, and life is shorter than time is long… laughter is free and it should be self indulging and Timmy was an example of how the small things in life are all one needs and peace of mind with open thoughts can go a long way.

Dedicated to my friend Timmy… I sure miss how we appreciated life the same.
Peace…

A Rant on the Root That has Bared it's Ugly Head

I have had this debate more than my share of times during my time as an adult. Let me restate that, during my time above the age of 26, not so sure the adult thing works for me. Anyway, I am not going to jump into the debate itself, instead after years of processing and contemplating global events I am going to conclude my final opinion. Let me start with some of the events that I feel have shaped this debate and the conclusion. Now there have been many meltdowns it seems over the past decade both nationally and internationally. For this though, I will focus on current events and the obvious meltdown of the U.S. market which ultimately has a tremendous impact on the global economy. I mean go figure, we all get fucked because the people who we are suppose to trust the most walk around in platinum panties lined with the finest mink. Strutting on the catwalk of self-indulgence, all while smoking their cigars, battling their dual personalities and pretending to know what they are while forgetting who they are… all at my expense. But hey…nothing better than knowing you can suck the head of a “bailout” shaped like a penis (without kneepads mind you) and still keep your position as the head financial blowhard who still practices walking on water on a daily basis. But hey, my company has laid off 5500 employees, shut down numerous plants and put a freeze of any form of advancement or pay just to stay afloat. I could lose my job because of these tricked out game playing, chump change, mask wearing frauds. While they fly high on fine dining and expensive bubbly we are left hear listening to the cries of those truly hurting and those who hurt themselves. Next up, I had also just read in consecutive TIME magazines, articles related to our planet, greenhouse gases and the misleading information of alternative fuels and the greater impact producing the resources for these fuels is having on our planet. Now listen, I am all about energy independency… seriously! If it means we are not sending billions of dollars to our terrorist friends and borrowing trillions of dollars from our communist Chinese fuckups then lets get the ball rolling. But let’s not roll the ball as if we are some special needs person playing with a marble in their own drool pretending it’s an actual Special Olympics game. As I have learned in the corporate world, there are too many decision makers who are completely incompetent, lack the ability to think outside the box or pull their own egos out of their asses far enough not to only hear a brilliant idea, yet implement one either. Anyway, what really got to me about this article was not so much the energy independence, but the lengths people will go to in order to capitalize on it. I’ll touch more on this subject later. Finally, what is the deal with Mexico? The recent RS magazine has an amazing article as to the insight of the battle between the government and the drug cartels and how they are just ruining the country. I mean I guess it’s not really so much the actual war between the two that gets to me as much as it may be the saddening state of a country and how it’s people have reverted to this polluted belief. I mean for real, here we are the US of A, the ones who have wasted 500 billion dollars since Nixon’s genius War On Drugs bullshit aimed at curbing the illegal drug trade. Not to mention his creative way of categorizing each drug making it that much easier for government to ban substances without the approval of the supreme court. Anyway, so here we are, offering billions of dollars annually to Mexico to help them clean up their country. Remember, the country that the great genocidal Andrew Jackson couldn’t buy Texas from. This doesn’t really apply to this topic, I just like saying it, as were most of out prominent figures during the creation of our country. But that is a whole other topic, an interesting one by the way. Anyway, so the Mexicans cannot get it right, regardless of the resources they have… the belief system and fear among the Mexicans is sadly enough delusional and polluted. I mean the Mexicans are putting their faith in the money of the cartels based on security and fear. I mean so much for self respect and believing in what’s right as long as those money trees are growing in the back yard why shouldn’t it be OK to turn the blind eye. We are talking about drug addicts, dealers and block head wanna-be’s who barely graduated pottie training. Sure the cartels have weapons, but society has numbers… and with number you have an advantage. So pull some of that resiliency out of your back pocket and fight, if not for yourself but the generations to follow. Right!!! Nope, let’s just settle, because that is the easiest means. So we have a country in ruins, 2 governments who completely neglect the facts of a failed war on drugs, all with no end in sight and no gameplan that for one second actually makes sense.

So, I used to firmly believe and argue at wits end that money was the root of all evil. We see people lie, cheat, steal, murder and die for money. I am convinced that society as we know it will do anything for a dollar. Not all, but the time will come when most will. And why not, it’s not like they have parents who carry the morals, values or life experiences of their parents or grandparents. It’s not like the future generations have completely unselfish parents who believe that their children come first in all regards. It’s not like they have leaders of our country to look up to and admire for their will to inspire and promote ways in life that maintain a respectable level of those values and morals. I mean yes, everything is all about money, but not because everyone is simply greedy, some are forced to have to have more money. Money is forced on us, but let’s not forget, all the simple things in life are available to everyone, not just the well off. Because life is about the simple things, love, appreciation, smiles, nature, caring, peace and freedom. Let’s face it though, when the people that deal with the financial stability of the US and the global economy are out there wiping their asses with my hard earned money while laughing the whole way to the bank in their maxed out cribs and pimped out rides just so the people they surround themselves with will ACCEPT them… we have to stop and think.

When people start demolishing our planet and ripping down vital ecosystems at alarming rates (the Rainforests) because they know the grounds are fertile enough to grow crops of cash, those beautiful fields of green disease… we have to really think. Not only are they destroying ecosystems they are destroying the planet with the equipment they use to clear their territories that are dumping out more carbon emissions than the whole country of Brazil combined. And for what, so in another 10 years we can reflect back on a desolate land that used to be a home to millions of unique species of life that have now been displaced or extinct. So we can look back and realize that our rushed efforts based on fear have only caused more damage than good. These god-damn farmers have no regard… absolutely none for the world around them. And yet, all the powers in the world can’t do a damn thing to stop them. Maybe because they don’t really want… that is certainly left on the table for speculation. Oh sorry, I believe in the goodness of life and the preservation of my planet. So now what? Label me as some left wing radical, soft on the inside who doesn’t know or care about national security? Who feels that while yes we should have personal freedoms we still need general oversight and regulation of certain global activities… not individual activities. Or should I find the solace Mexican beliefs and start trusting that the cartels will do more for me than the government. I mean is this what it should come to, that the money has become so important that we rely on some self indulged, gun toting, ignorant and worthless cartels to provide protection to those loyal to and feared by them.

So with as much thought put into this subject as maybe I put into the religious system, I have come to the conclusion that money is NOT the root of all evil. Yes people lie and cheat and steal for it. Or kill and die for it, but it’s not because of money, it’s because of their VALUES… or lack thereof for a better term. That’s right people money is a necessity, but strong morals and values are more of a necessity. Say what you must, but when people put more value in the value-lessness of money over the value of life and all it has to offer, then money cannot be the root. When those Wall Street clit-bags decided that their despicable wrongdoings to enhance their personal prosperity and lifestyle supercedes the ramifications of jeopardizing the hard working American and global economy. Because of greed (and greed is a lack of values), the lack to maintain the values they may have been taught, or the inability to want to or try to comprehend strong values and decide to do what’s right over what’s wrong. And it’s not just greed for money, they value the nice car, huge apartment on the upper east side, nice clothes and those oh so trendy friends who like you for who you really aren’t. The farmers who deface our planet with complete disregard for anything else other than themselves just to cash in on the almighty dollar being thrown out there in this new evolution. Where are the values? You my friends are putting money above everything. Great, you are cashing in so your kids, and your kids children for generations may be set for life. Awesome, they’ll be rich on a planet with dire needs. They’ll be left wearing UV protected latex clothes with with solar masks and wind power hats because those will be the resources of necessity after years of misguided attempts and un-repented destruction. Or the Mexicans, who value the money more than their own right to free will, peace and prosperity. Now that is the low of the low, this is not just putting value into ordinary money, it’s blood money. America has it’s freedoms because it’s brave have fought for it over the years, risen up against the evils and fought for what life is. Freedom!!! They didn’t succumb to the mafias or the gangs or the other organized crime and or terror cells. They fought back damn it, what have the Mexican people done for themselves in these incomprehensible times? That’s right… pushed strong values and morals into the gutter of their trash infested streets and folded to the cartels who threaten their daily existence!

Where have the strong moral values gone? What have so many people over generations sacrificed for? And where will we be in the years ahead without them. I don't really know, but I will continue to take pride in mine and the fact that I can pass them onto my kids with the hope that they do the same.

The new definition of values… the degenerative digression of a strong, definitive belief system of a person or social group in which they have an emotional investment (either for or against something), green disease, color of money, phat, high end friends, the haves.

I always believed that you need money to survive… but you don’t need money to live!

Greater Than, Less Than or Equals - The Running of the Bulls vs The Rambling Retard

Annually in Pamplona, Spain there is the hosting of the Festival of San Fermin, notorious for the "Running of the Bulls". 800 meters of a chaotic dash from corral to bullring down winding, narrow streets... a century old tradition dating to the sixteenth century. Each year hundreds of "contestants" or bumbling idiots suffering futility and/or self-indulgence try their luck with the ambition of boosting ones credentials or pride, or just to say they did it. Let's be honest here... there are activities that for obvious reasons are defined for those who are the thrillseekers. The Running of the Bulls is not one of them! Where is the thrill of knowing that at any second you have the opportunity to get a bull horn up your ass? Or have your chest trampled by a hoof or two? Sure, opinions may run fluently in this debate but reason is where the facts truly lie. So minus the phylosophy and the opinions reason tells us that the only motives behind this excuse for thrillseeking are self-indulgence, pride, credentials, tradition (which I respect) and stupidity. So when and where as an individual do you draw the line.

Bloggers are the online daily running of the bulls... most lacking the reason needed to blog beyond their useless, self-indulging opinions. Rambling Retards doing so only to establish credentials that run "superficially" (I think this is in proper context). What I mean by this is online I don't know Larry from Jack, we can all be who we are not on the almighty WWW. And those motives alone are superficial and left there for those who lack enough self confidence to tell the girl on the other end of their phone sex conversation their real name. Now granted... many use these forums as tools to express feelings and stories of everyday life, but when is enough... enough?

Gold comes in many forms like currency, jewelry and statues, but never have I seen it in the form of every word of one individual. And so the questions raise their awkward heads... Is the bull runner or rambling retard another bowel movement of pure, solid gold? Or just another gold plated piece of bronze cast from the same moulds as all those other shit shaped blogging rambling retards or bull runners... that the world continues to offer?

Does it take more or less reasoning to talk yourself out of running down a windy, narrow road with a bunch of irate, horn bearing bulls? Or does it take more or less reasoning to talk yourself out of becoming a Rambling Retard of a bunch of uselss opinions or stories whose only purpose is to serve an individuals self righteous, self empowering blog status? Or are the two comparable in self indulgance therefore requiring equal reasoning resulting in an equal status?

I wrote this for my friend Finnie, whose every blogged word has become gold (the gold plated bronze anyway). Keep up the good work! If you lose another 100 lbs. (typing at 40 wpm for the next 5 years 8 hours a day) you'll be down around 200 lbs. and close to in enough shape to run with the bulls. Which leads me to believe that in your case the self indulgance is equal... you don't have the reasoning to talk yourself out of either!