"Fuck That Fuck That" An Intimate Journey of the Mind

For the record… I did not indulge into the recreational drug use until I was in my mid 20’s, and I am not including pot into this note. Nor have I ever been an avid fan of drinking into oblivion, attaining and maintaining the perma-smile buzz has always been my style. That being said… in those mid 20’s I lived quite the very fast lane lifestyle and I truly expanded my mind to places that I am sure few have ventured. I was dealing with money by the thousands as the nameless faces of those weekly encounters anxiously awaited on me to help them with their escape from reality. And though I have many, many stories I could share, I have always found myself reflecting on the people that I truly became friends with. Anyone familiar with the rave scene understands it’s peculiar, yet addictive oddness (maybe some of it had to do with the state of mind I was in), but when you are one of the individuals in the middle of dealing the goodies, meeting with club owners, paying off the security and attending 10 am after parties, after.. after party. You meet a lot of people and you hear a lot of stories and you suffer a lot of skepticism.

To make a long story short… this will be the 3 year anniversary of the death of one of those people I befriended and respected and cared for on many levels. Indeed the toughest loss to date in my lifetime. “Little” Timmy was how we referred to him in those days and I met him through a friend/”business” partner. An interesting story he was and over the first few months we really got to know each other well. He was kind of a nomad with a free soul, he had few friends and little family that he made mention of, and when he did it was rarely on a positive note. Now most of this I used to believe was attributed to his ability to make bad decisions. He had been in jail for five years in FL for being an accomplice to burglary. The short of the story was he was in the back seat of a car and a friend and someone hadn’t ever met were in the front seat. He claimed he did not know the deal before it happened, which was they robbed a package store. Now at first I was skeptical of the story, but based on the depths and desperation I saw this kid go through I believed his story. Trust me, he struggled mightily in the years I knew him but he never reverted to anything less than a heads up and dignified approach to get by. This was his unique ability to appreciate all those little things in life despite how times had been rather harsh on him. This was pride… and for me, it was inspiring.

Anyway, we used to smoke a lot of pot together and go hiking, or discuss life and enigmas and creative ways we would change things or make things. We always laughed a lot and I really had a lot of respect for him for many reasons. He had few true friends and regardless of the ups and downs in his life he had pride, and respect and dignity with a true love for life. One day, we were talking about something and he said to me “Fuck that” and I said “what… Fuck that Fuck that!” And at first he just looked at me as if he wasn’t too sure he had just heard what he thought he heard, and whether or not it really made sense and low and behold… it did mother fuckers… it did! It was amazing, probably one of the hardest laughs in my entire life. Fuck that Fuck that! It rarely offers the opportunity for use but it is a genius quote, and on the fly at that! And that was our deal… and when we did say it a lot of people just didn’t get it. He was a great friend, and it wasn’t till his passing that I really understood the lonely path he plowed through on a daily basis. His family was oblivious to who he really was as an individual, in fact they were probably oblivious to who they were as individuals. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak at his memorial; it would not have been worth it. No one would have understood who I was talking about… there would have been zero relation to any of my words. There is a lot to be said of Timmy from my perspective and there is a lot more of him to be missed.

So in closing… what can I say, here we are in this enigma known as life, full of its perplexities, oddities, miracles and life-long searches for the never ending answers. A place where moments may seem unbelievable, incomprehensible and even surreal, but in the end they are all reality. Days pass on and the spirits of loved ones come and go, and the paths of strangers cross and sometimes evolve and other times continue on without ever knowing what lies within. And so in a time when it is so easy to judge and at times harder not to, try to remember that regardless of an individuals actions or how much you think you may differ from those around that we all have stories… some good and some bad, easier for some harder for others. That as we tip-toe through our own thoughts of natural prejudice or in the moments when we may lack confidence that you just never know who you may relate to on such a beautiful level. One may have many acquaintances, but true friends are hard to find. So next time you feel yourself in a position where you have an opportunity to learn about some ones story… remember my friend Timmy, this is one of the beauties of life… true friendship. I am notorious for my completely horrible, stupid, non-funny and at times tasteless humor. The truth is a lot of the shit in life doesn’t matter, and life is shorter than time is long… laughter is free and it should be self indulging and Timmy was an example of how the small things in life are all one needs and peace of mind with open thoughts can go a long way.

Dedicated to my friend Timmy… I sure miss how we appreciated life the same.
Peace…